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The Doctor

Assalamualaikum anddddd hello. It's been such a long time (I say this every time, don't I? LOL)
But yeah, the fact is I don't have time to write. Or maybe I think that my plate is already full now and I love the sleep I get more. Asiyah Amni is crawling all over the place now, and whenever she sees a laptop all she wants is just to bang on it. Or close it. Sooo writing while she's awake is so not happening.

I digress. Anyway, alhamdulillah, finally I'll be graduating soon, early next month. I can't believe now how stressed I was of being left behind, that I considered quitting. But only in my head, deep down in the darkest place in my heart. But I told myself that the end was just soooo close, sometimes you don't realise it until you finally reach it. That's what I keep repeating to myself. All those bad, negative thoughts are just a sign of how weak our imaan is, how little faith we have in Allah and ourselves. And fighting those inner demons are what makes you human. Alhamdulillah, I made it.

And I have a little girl here with me, how amazing is that? MasyaAllah. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Looking back, eventhough I kept getting sick while pregnant, choosing to taking a break from my studies which few could understand... I did feel all alone. No one was going through what I did. My batchmates who were pregnant as well, their pregnancies weren't like mine. They were able to finish sooner than me. But you know, fate has a way of creeping back at you. When I look back, either way I wouldn't have been able to finish sooner. And it's fine because we all have our priorities. No one is the same and only we know best about our life.

All you got to do is be strong, keep a close connection with the Creator. stay positive always.
Whatever He put you to, He'd bring you through...

I'm going to officially be a doctor soon... and the weight is bearing down on me.

May Allah ease our paths, and should we ever go astray, may His love guide us back to His path.

my little girl, just a bit over a month old, in my arms, on the way back to Bandung.


Kita hanya manusia, dan manusia sering terlupa. Marilah mengingatkan sesama kita, moga berjumpa di syurga~

Langkah

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

MasyaAllah, sudah terlalu lama rasanya blog ini ditinggalkan. Entah masih ada yang sudi membaca atau tidak. Yang pasti... semenjak dua menjak makin terasa perlunya untuk update blog yang satu ni




Hari ini. 20 Ogos 2014. Sudah genap enam tahun berkelana ke bumi Bandung. Daripada sendiri sudah bertiga sekarang. Teman-teman seperjuangan kebanyakan sudah pulang ke pangkuan keluarga di Malaysia.. Aku masih di sini, meneruskan perjuangan hingga ke titik-titik terakhir.

Dan aku terkenang kembali saat-saat setelah melahirkan. Kawan-kawan dah pergi ke hospital luar, dan ujian akhir, dah mula magang. Aku pula sebulan setelah melahirkan baru pulang, dan perlu menghabiskan sisa enam minggu koas di Radiologi dan Anestesi sebelum boleh menduduki ujian akhir dua bulan lagi.

Semangat memang merudum sangat masatu. Down down down and down. Tapi teruskan saja. 
Adik-adik tanya kenapa masih kat sini? Kenapa tak habis lagi. Senyum, jawab saja. Dalam hati, menangis~

Kemudian ditambah berurusan dengan fakulti untuk menentukan bila dapat menduduki ujian... Bagai digantung tak bertali...

Koas dah selesai, peperiksaan belum ambil lagi. Bila nak magangnya macamni. Tambah stres.
Tapi cuba juga positifkan diri, anggap as percutian... sambil tu menjaga si kecil yang bermacam ragam itu.
Tapi terdetik juga di fikiran... bila dah terlalu lama menunggu, memang ada perasaan nak quit! MasyaAllah. Padahal dah nak habis, cuma tinggal ujian... Betapa melayangnya semangatku waktu itu... rasa sungguh tak berdaya. Nak belajar pun tak semangat sebab tak tahu bila ujiannya.

Dan dalam penantian itu, pulang sebentar ke Malaysia untuk aqiqah anak saudara baru di Johor Bahru.
Sehari setelah pulang ke Bandung, ayahku pula jatuh sakit. Serangan jantung... Terlalu kepenatan drive dari JB ke KL, dan rupanya ayah tak makan ubat DMnya sepanjang dua hari di sana.

Aku minta izin suami untuk pulang menziarah ayah... Buat emergency ERP, beli tiket. Khamis aku pulang.

Hari aku direncanakan pulang, mendapat khabar dr teman, Jumaat mahu judicium. Allahuakbar.....
Aku cuba ke PSPD, minta izin ke koordinator. Tak dapat jumpa beliau, cuma menitipkan ke sekretarisnya.
dan jawapannya- Pokoknya besok judicium, dan semua wajib hadir.

Beliau koordinator baru, dan memang strict. Sebelum ni, tak ada masalah kalau tak datang juducium, asal sudah izin.

Maka burnlah tiketku, dan emergency ERPku.

Aku mahu saja marah ke doktor, langsung tiada hati budi... Siapalah aku. Dan sewaktu judicium juga tidak ditanyakan perihal ayahku....

Cuma 15 minit. Dan aku bisa saja berada di Malaysia waktu itu.

Syukurlah ayah tidak apa-apa.

dan alhamdulillah ujian akhir, minggu depannya dipermudahkan.

dan drama seterusnya magang pula... nanti jelah sambung, biiznillah. Banyak sangat drama tak cukup satu post.

Huhuhu



ps. tulisan macam budak sekolah je hohoho


Kita hanya manusia, dan manusia sering terlupa. Marilah mengingatkan sesama kita, moga berjumpa di syurga~

Welcoming of Asiyah Amni Part 2


Salam.. 
Yes I guess I promised to continue about my last post.


My doctors have been discussing about having me induced sinced I was 37 weeks along. Since my first checkup, when the doctor found out that my baby was small for her gestational age.

So finally at my last checkup @ 39 weeks, I was to be induced later that night.

We checked in at the hospital an hour later than supposed to, at 10pm. Before that, we sent my in laws to the airport for their convention at London.

My parents already arrived, waiting for us. I saw my dad's face, he was worried but trying to hide it with a smile. When he found out my baby was small, he kept asking me to eat. :,( I know he was worried, while I was almost depressed and couldn't care about anything other than myself. May Allah forgive me...

After waiting at the lobby, with husband settling the administration, I was told to go upstairs for the ctg. I just went, thinking that I'd have time to say goodbye to my parents n sister. It turns out I was directly admitted to the ward. Then, the husband called my family and they said their goodbyes.. My father said that the baby would come out at Subuh. I laughed, saying that primigravidas always have a long labor... Then they went home, wishing me luck. Ayah left me some water that he recited with Quran. 

I changed clothes, perfomed solah with husband at the surau then returned to my bed. At 12am sharp, the nurse came for my first dose of prostaglandin. It really hurt :,( Then she told me to rest, not go to the toilet for two hours. I slept.

At about 4am, I woke up with some pains and went to the toilet. After that, the pain became more and more intense. Kind of like menstruation but doubled, tripled and quadrupled. I couldn't sleep anymore. I tried to keep breathing regularly in between contractions. Then, amidst the pain, I heard a pop sound. It sounded like my knee popped out of place. But of course there was no pain... After that, I felt a gushing of water, and I thought blood also. I woke husband again, to help me to the toilet.

When I returned to bed, I saw blood and amniotic fluid on the bed. No wonder the pain was becoming worse. I was shaking and holding back tears the whole time.. I think at that time my contractions were coming, one wave after another. I tried to count the time between each contraction, and sometimes there was only ten seconds between contractions. Sometimes, I felt wave after wave coming simultaneously. Just as I was trying to breathe after one, another came. Finally, I cried. Once. Then, I couldn't find the strength to cry.. I was so weak, I couldn't move my hands. Husband held on to my held, lending me some strength.

I think at 5am, the nurse came. She checked my opening, she said it was only 2-3cm. I wanted to faint. Then she brought the ctg. I think it was broken or something, she took a really long time with it. At some point a nurse inserted a branula. All that time I was full of contractions, which were becoming stronger each minute. At one point, I couldn't take it anymore and asked for an epidural. We didn't know how much it cost, so my husband went to the nurse station and ask. No one was around, so he returned. And I asked him to go find someone. He just repeated 'apa? apidural?' 'EPI. EPIDURAL' I really wanted to throttle him at that time. haha. So he went downstairs, asked at the reception. About RM800. I asked 'boleh tak?' He said 'Boleh'. I guess he was so hopeless, unable to help me with my labor pain...

Then around 6am a doctor came to check up on me, since I asked for an epidural. She checked, '7-8cm. Dah tak boleh epidural dah sekarang. Tolak ke labor roomlah sekarang.' And I was 'Alhamdulillaahhh alhamdulillahhh cause I didn't think I could hold on much longer. Then an nurse intern said 'Sabar ye puan, sikit je lagi. Kita masuk labor room, puan bagus progress cepat' 

So with my contractions, I got up, forced myself to walk to the wheelchair. At that point, I was just trying to hold on for just a little bit longer.

At the labor room, 6.30 am, the nurse strapped me on to the ctg, then they went to call the doctor. I was lying sideways, then the nurse asked me to lie down. Sooo easy to say when I could hardly move. I did it anyway, pushing myself down on the bed when I felt the pain come, trying to stay put. It hurt so much, I just tried to ease it with istighfar. Huhu.. I could cry just remembering those moments. I prayed for a quick delivery... I asked Allah, I didn't mind if the pain was so bad as long as it was for a short period. And Alhamdulillah Allah granted me this wish... Let the pain wash away all my sins...

I  think I pushed before I was supposed to, I felt a strong pressure downward and started to strain. Then I tried to control it, although I think I failed :/
The nurse came, she said she could see the baby's head, and told me to push slowly. I pushed hard-.- then the baby's head was out, and needed one final push. So I closed my mouth, tried to focus and pushed, ran out of breath, the nurse asked to push more and I scolded her, 'Sabarlah, nak ambik nafas!' haha. And she was ' Oh. okay okay' The senior nurse was calm, smiled and said 'Takpe, takpe' So I took that breath, pushed once more and I heard the baby cry :') The nurse showed her to me, then I said 'Mana, tak nampak!' haha emo betul. So she brought her to me. She was so beautiful.

I heard her cries from the warmer, so loud and strong. Alhamdulilah. 
Then the nurse came and did some stitches, meanwhile husband went to perform solah.Then I was brought upstairs back to my room. And I slept until 9 am. 
When we reached upstairs, I said to my husband, Ana nak solat Subuh. Ana nak solat buat apa? He said. haha.

Ok cukuplah tu. In case I become senile, I'll have this to remember insyaAllah. Sorry if there was TMI. 

Do I want another child? Biiznillah, if Allah wills...
Lets appreciate our mothers more, they fought a battle just to bring us into this world. I know I did. But I wouldn't change a thing.
If there is anything I believe, it's that life teaches us. Allah teaches us. 
That's tarbiyah.
We live in this life so we could sow in the afterlife.

 May Allah give us strength.
May Allah give me strength to be a good mother, to teach my daughter to become a good abid and khalifah. To learn that life has a purpose. Biiznillah!
May she become as strong in faith like Asiyah, the wife of the Pharoah.

 Ameen, ya Allah...


gambar takde kaitan. :P







Kita hanya manusia, dan manusia sering terlupa. Marilah mengingatkan sesama kita, moga berjumpa di syurga~

Welcoming of Asiyah Amni to this world

Salam..

Sedar tak sedar, dah berbulan-bulan meninggalkan blog terbengkalai... Hasrat hati nak update, namun kesibukan melandaaa.. Dan bila tak sibuk, badan pula menuntut hak untuk berehat.. 

Hmm, sejak jadi ummi ni, memang banyak adjustment kena buat.
Dan kondisi diri pula dah tak berapa kuat berbanding dulu.

Allah bagi satu nikmat, dan tarik pula satu lagi...
Sungguh. jiwa kita benar-benar dalam genggamanNya.
Moga Allah selalu melindungi kita, dari azab kubur dan azab api Jahannam, dan dari  fitnah al-Masih Dajjal, fitnah kehidupan dan fitnah kematian.

Mungkin mahu berkongsi sedikit tentang kehidupan sejak setahun yang lalu, pasca nikah..

Surah al-Ahqaaf 46: 15

Dan Kami wajibkan manusia berbuat baik kepada kedua ibu bapanya; ibunya telah mengandungnya dengan menanggung susah payah dan telah melahirkannya dengan menanggung susah payah. Sedang tempoh mengandungnya berserta dengan tempoh menceraikan susunya ialah dalam masa tiga puluh bulan. Setelah dia besar sampai ke peringkat dewasa yang sempurna kekuatannya dan sampai ke peringkat umur empat puluh tahun, berdoalah dia dengan berkata: Wahai Tuhanku, ilhamkanlah daku supaya tetap bersyukur akan nikmatmu yang engkau kurniakan kepadaku dan kepada ibu bapaku dan supaya aku tetap mengerjakan amal soleh yang Engkau redhai; dan jadikanlah sifat-sifat kebaikan meresap masuk ke dalam jiwa zuriat keturunanku. Sesungguhnya aku bertaubat kepadamu dan sesungguhnya aku dari orang-orang Islam (yang tunduk patuh kepadamu)

Alhamdulillah... sebulan setelah nikah, aku disahkan hamil. Walaupun sebenarnya diri sendiri yang sahkan ;) Kebetulan waktu ke klinik untuk konfirmkan, dr O&G takde, cuma ada bidan je. Dan pemeriksaan sama yang dilakukan bidan- urine test.

Kemudian sewaktu kandungan 6 minggu, kami ke doktor O&G, doktor lakukan TVS dan baru kelihatan kantung dengan degup jantung baby :) Subhanallah, tak tergambar perasaan. Cuma agak spoil sebab doktor agak 'cold' dan terlalu methodical. Be happy with me please.. It's my first child..huhuhu. Cakap dalam hati aje.

Sewaktu kandungan masuk 7 bulan, aku pulang ke Malaysia.. dan disitu bermula sedikit dramanya. Sewaktu perform MGTT, fasting glucose tinggi, disuruh perform BSP, dan disahkan ada GDM. Sewaktu repeated scanning, baby continuously 2 weeks behind EDD. :( 
Dari klinik Ajwa, aku direfer ke UMRA.

*Please stop asking why I chose UMRA not government hospital... My husband wasn't around and I didn't want to make things harder for my mother to bring me to perform antenatal checkup at PPUM every week (since I had GDM) plus UMRA had a good record and was still affordable, I wanted a place where my husband could accompany me plus is it bad if I wanted some privacy? >.< )
Sometimes people just don't know how to respect other people's choices, who don't have the same reasoning as you... It was stressful enough dealing with the complications of my pregnancy, I didn't need any more negative vibes :(

Ok maaf atas curhat.
Di UMRA aku disuruh datang dua kali seminggu sebab baby kecil, doktor risau whether IUGR atau cuma SGA (small for gestational age) ditambah lagi dengan GDM ku... Kata doktor GDM boleh buat baby terlalu besar atau terlalu kecil.

Cumanya.. Bila buat doppler, normal je blood flow to fetus. Jadi doktor kata maybe SGA, dengan pilihan induce bila ketuban turun/ bila dah masuk 38 weeks, iaitu lepas raya Haji. Aku dah mula risau, sebab suami belum pasti dapat balik waktu tu. Jadi doktor pertimbangkan 39 weeks, tapi tak boleh tunggu term. 

*Sejujurnya waktu ni kerja nangis je... and yes I think that may have had some effect to the baby, asyik risau bila tak rasa movement baby... Nangis bila rasa alone dengan pregnancy ni.. *tearful again*
Bila kenang balik, lemah sungguh waktu ni. Sungguh bodoh, kerana Allah sentiasa bersama... Astaghfirullah.. astaghfirullah.. astaghfirullah...

Dengan kondisi lemah waktu tu, dengan ketiadaan suami, memang susah untuk counter doktor waktu tu, even though I know the baby's just small, I'm small and shorter than most, what's the problem kan.. and I did consult with a friend who did say it's normal... No need to induce if liquor is normal.
Yea.. mungkin dah terbiasa dengan 'doctors know best' 
InsyaAllah I'll do better kalau diizinkan hamil lagi... 
Just to let my baby grow and gain a few more weight reaching the end of pregnancy...

Alhamdulillah at 39 weeks, pagi tu 'serah diri' ke doktor, already experienced bloody show, and bila check opening dan dilated 1cm with soft cervix. 
Dr suggest induce malam nanti with one dose and see how it goes, if needed bagi second dose.
Aku mahu menunggu normal labor, lagipun beberapa hari lepastu ulangtahun suami...
Kalau sama kan best:)
tapi zauj kata tak payah tunggu.
Induce je...

dan aku pasrah



To be continued..



Permata hati kami... 3.5 bulan. Semoga jadi anak solehah ya sayang.



Kita hanya manusia, dan manusia sering terlupa. Marilah mengingatkan sesama kita, moga berjumpa di syurga~

Reminder for the soul

“Aku hairan dengan orang yang mengetahui kematian, tapi mengapa ia masih tertawa;

Aku hairan dengan orang yang tahu bahawa dunia adalah sementara, tapi mengapa ia sangat mencintainya;

Aku hairan dengan orang yang mengetahui semua urusan telah ditakdirkan, tapi mengapa ia takut kehilangan;

Aku hairan dengan orang yang mengetahui bahwa hisab adalah suatu kepastian, tapi mengapa ia tetap mengum
pulkan harta dan menghitung-hitungnya;

Aku hairan dengan orang yang mengetahui panasnya api neraka, tapi mengapa ia tetap berbuat dosa;

Aku hairan dengan orang yang mengaku mengenal Allah, tapi mengapa ia meminta tolong kepada selain-Nya;

Aku hairan kepada orang yang mengaku mengetahui kenikmatan syurga, tapi mengapa ia merasa hidup tenang di dunia;

Dan aku hairan kepada orang yang mengetahui syaitan adalah musuhnya, tapi mengapa ia mentaatinya.”

Uthman bin Affan Radhiyallahu anhu
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